


Vanilla

by Aesthetic_bane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Addiction, Alec deserves nice things, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blue eyed Alec Lightwood, Bottom Alec, Camille Belcourt - Freeform, Confident Magnus Bane, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Happy Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, It gets bad, It gets better I promise, It’s not as bad as it looks, M/M, Mutal Pining, Overdose, Pain, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Protective Magnus Bane, Sebastion Verlac, Self Harm, Shy Alec Lightwood, Song fic, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane, Tags May Change, Therapy, Time Jump, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Top Magnus, a lot of shit is happening, alec is oblivious, angsty, trigger warning, withdrawl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-08-05 08:01:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16363991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aesthetic_bane/pseuds/Aesthetic_bane
Summary: Good things dont just happen to Alec Lightwood- he should’ve known not to give his heart away but, he did and this is where it got him. If he had known, this would happen would he have done what he did? Maybe, Maybe not. But, it didn’t matter because there was no going back, Magnus would be his beginning and his endOrThe angstiest fic you’ve ever read. (I know the tags look scary but they are apt to change and I swear there’s a lot more soft moments then you think)





	1. Roses are red

**Author's Note:**

> *trigger warning ish?*  
> I’ve been tweaking and messing around with the plot of this story for a while and this came about, it gets intense so buckle up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, I really wanted to get this up

_Alec felt his vision finally turning black around the edges and he couldn’t help but feel at ease. Finally he would get the peace he craved. Good things dont just happen to Alec Lightwood- he should’ve known not to give his heart away but, he did and this is where it got him. If he had known, this would happen would he have done what he did? Maybe, Maybe not. But, it didn’t matter because there was no going back, Magnus would be his beginning and his end...._

_**6** **months** **earlier**  
_

 Magnus.

Just the thought of that name sent Alec’s heart a light with joy. It had only been a year ago that Magnus wasn’t even in his life, but now, Alec couldn’t imagine his life without him in it. He couldn’t imagine not seeing those golden brown eyes, he couldn’t imagine not hearing that laugh or smelling his intoxicatingly unique sandalwood scent. Magnus had come into Alec’s life at a time where he felt the whole world was crashing down around him, he’d just had a falling out with one of his closest friends, Raj, due to the fact he walked in on both Raj and Sebastian,his boyfriend at the time, having sex. Once the initial shock wore off he left the room, ignoring Raj’s calls and messages and avoiding them until they just stopped trying. To make things worse, not only did Sebastian and Raj start dating directly after, but word also got out about what has happened and so wherever Alec went he would get pitying looks. People pitied the boy who couldn’t please his boyfriend enough for him to stick around. Sebastian has never really been a great boyfriend to begin with, and being with Sebastian, felt like being locked on a never ending roller coaster. There was the constant anticipation of something going wrong, the constant being on edge, the underlying excitement and there was the fear. Having been together since Alec came out, Sebastian was all Alec knew. Everyone always swooned at their “love” but, they never saw the other side of it, the violent side, the real side. At first, in the beginning of their relationship, everything was a dream, Sebastian was everything he wanted, but as the relationship progressed, he started making small, underlying comments and jabs about Alec, but the highs almost made up for the lows. The days Sebastian would just be the sweetest person somehow made up for the shitty things he had done. 2 years in, it had snowballed into bigger things, like the fact that Alec didn’t want to have sex and Sebastian did, or the fact that Sebastian would remind Alec constantly of how boring and reserved he was, it just made Alec hate himself even more. Verbal abuse turned to physical. Sebastian was highly possessive and jealous so anything would set him off, he didn’t want to be trapped with Sebastian forever and he was tired, tired of being hurt day after day, tired of having to pretend he was still in love with the monster that was Sebastian, but who else would want him? He managed to make Alec hate everything about himself. Everyday had been a never ending cycle of being beat down by a person who was supposed to care for him and so when he saw him in bed with someone who he considered a best friend it hurt on a deep level. It just solidified the fact that he really was never enough. After that, it was just a downward spiral, Alec’s grades started to slip and he fell deeper into his depression and his anxiety got worse until it was so bad that he started cutting again. It was the only thing that made him feel grounded, like he was ok, even if it was just for a moment. He’d always struggled with depression, anxiety and self harm but this round had by far been the worst, it was tiring and he wanted was for it to stop. Enter Magnus Bane. Alec remembered the exact day it happened, the day his life changed because of one person. He was having a particularly bad day due to his depression and on top of that, it was a relatively slow day at work as he was standing at the register of Runes, the coffee shop he works in, watching the clock tick by as he waited for his shift to end, when Magnus walked in. Alec felt his heart skip a beat as he watched Magnus walk with cat like grace over to the counter. His voice felt like smooth honey against Alec’s ears as he recited his order. Alec typed it in, told him the price and informed Maia of what he wanted so she could make it. As he waited for his drink, Magnus had taken up a conversation with Alec, and despite Alec’s one word answers he continued chatting until his coffee was ready, with his coffee in hand he turned and smiled brightly at Alec and said

“I think we’ll be good friends, here’s my number, text me”

Before turning and walking smoothly out the door. Alec originally was going to throw away the number but something in him possessed him to keep it instead, eventually texting Magnus two weeks later. From there their friendship grew smoothly and beautifully, Magnus never pushed but he could somehow always sense when Alec was having one of his particularly bad days and he was always there to make it a little better. It was better then any friendship Alec had ever had, it was genuine and true. So that’s why when Alec realized his feelings for Magnus he quickly locked them in a box and shoved them away somewhere in the back of his mind. It was never easy though, Magnus never made it easy. Although Magnus probably had no idea, his flirty antics, caring and genuine personality, along with his impossible beauty, caused Alec to have a constant battle with himself. It was hard to keep his feelings in check when they couldn’t help but grow anytime Magnus was around. He really was a lost case. And on top of that, Alec knew he had no chance, Magnus had a type of person he’d go for, and it wasn’t Alec, Magnus preferred someone who was beautiful, fun, outgoing, confident and amazing in bed- Alec, was none of those things and he never would be. So he’d accepted his fate a long time ago

“Alexander!”

Alec looked up at the sound of his name, immediately recognizing it as Magnus, who was currently making his way off the dance floor and to Alec. They were currently at the Pandemonium with the rest of their friends because it was Friday and that’s what they always did. Alec wasn’t one for clubs but Magnus begged him to come and he finally relented.

“Alexander darling, come dance with me! I love this song” Magnus said with a excited smile and an outstretched hand. Alec stared at his hand for a second before knocking back the rest of his drink and taking it. Magnus dragged Alec out to the middle of the dance floor before he started dancing fluidly to the poppy beat while mouthing the words. Alec danced mildly, mostly too caught up watching Magnus in his element to really focus on anything else

_What you got boy, is hard to find_

_I think about it all the time_

_I'm all strung out, my heart is fried_

_I just can't get you off my mind_

Alec couldn’t help the smile that came to his face as he shook his head fondly at Magnus dancing. He looked so happy and free as he let his body move freely, the strobe lights of the club dancing against his tan skin, eyes closed with a faint smile on his face before he opened them again, those liquid gold eyes suddenly focused on him, pinning him in place as the song came to a slower part. Alec didn’t even noticed he had stopped dancing until Magnus said so but he couldn’t help but not care because Raziel, Magnus was so beautiful

_Your love is my drug_

_Your love, your love, your love_

_I don't care what people say_

_The rush is worth the price I pay_

He didn’t know if it was the three beers he had or if it was the atmosphere but, before he could stop, Alec found himself saying, “You’re so beautiful Magnus” softly, so soft that he doubted Magnus would hear him over the music, but.. he did because his expression changed to one of surprise and Alec immediately felt himself panic. What was he doing? He couldn’t do this, he swore he wouldn’t do this to himself

_I get so high when you're with me_

_But crash and crave you when you leave_

“Really?” Magnus said in a inquiring tone staring down into Alec’s eyes with a mix of emotions Alec could quite read. He knew he should deny saying anything at all to save himself from embarrassment but- he couldn’t deny Magnus’ beauty, because it would be farthest from the truth, so Alec found himself nodding, not trusting his voice at this point. Magnus brushed Alec’s cheek as he let out a soft laugh

“That’s good to know” Magnus said, his golden brown eyes still not straying from Alec’s blue ones. Magnus’ stare was so intense, it was like he could see through him- but Alec couldn’t bring himself to look away from his mesmerizing stare. They had a slight height difference, Magnus being taller then Alec by only a few inches and it wasn’t usually noticeable unless they were standing incredibly close like they were now but- when had they gotten this close? Alec felt himself suck in a breath as he noticed Magnus eyes flick down to his lips for a millisecond before finding his eyes again. The music was still pulsing around them, people around them dancing but it felt like they were frozen in time. Alec wasn’t sure who moved in first but before he could process what was happening Magnus’ lips were on his, soft and warm, kissing him thoroughly as his hand threaded through Alec’s messy hair.

Holy shit.

Alec’s brain was screaming at him to stop the kiss, that Magnus was probably drunk and would regret this later,but his heart- his heart was fluttering so happily at this. At the feeling of Magnus’ lips against his own, at the taste of Magnus’ vanilla chapstick mixed with whatever drink he’d just had, at the feeling of Magnus pressed so close that Alec could clearly feel the perfectly sculpted and toned torso against him. He was in love with everything about Magnus and he didn’t want the moment to end. It wasn’t until he felt someone bump into him that he remembered where he was:

At the pandemonium

On the dance floor

With Magnus

Surrounded by a hundred other strangers

The realization broke Alec out of his trance like a cold bucket of water was being dumped on his head and he broke the kiss, eyes wide as he stared up at Magnus. He felt the fear rise up in his chest as the reality of what he’d just done truly hit him. He just messed up the best friendship he’d ever had by letting his emotions get in the way

“Alexand-“ Magnus started before Alec cut him off quickly. He couldn’t bear to hear the regret coming from Magnus. It would break him. It was also quite possible that Magnus was a little tipsy and had forgotten it was Alexander he was with, due to the dim lighting of the club and that just made it all the worse.

“I should g-go” Alec said quickly before turning and pushing his way through the crowd. Alec felt tears prick his eyes as he made his way outside before running in the direction of his block. It was a good thing he lived so close because he didn’t think that he’d be able to socialize with a taxi driver. Once he made it to his apartment he shoved the key in the door with shaking hands, taking a few tries before he was able to open it, but once inside Alec went directly to his room and stripped off his clothes before falling into bed. As he stared up at the ceiling he focused on his breathing. How the hell was he supposed to face Magnus now ?


	2. A little bit in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And on we go  
> Song for the chapter: Little Bit by Lykke Li  
> Comments and feedback are appreciated

**_2 weeks later_ **

  Alec threw back what must’ve been his 5th or 6th shot, scrunching up his face slightly as the burning liquid slid down his throat, before he stumbled back onto the dance floor, immediately being taken up to dance by a tall guy who sported model like looks, his deep black eyes pairing nicely with his sharp angular features. The man was conventionally handsome but- he wasn’t Magnus. Magnus, who Alec has been carefully avoiding since their kiss, was perfect in every way,beautiful soft features that contrasted nicely with his toned body and defined jaw. His expressive golden brown eyes, dashed with a soft shade of green could hold Alec’s attention for hours on end and to top it all off he had an amazing personality. Non-drunk Alec would’ve been already making up an excuse as to why he can’t dance with the stranger- but, no, tonight he was on a mission, tonight he would lose his virginity. He didn’t care who it was with or where it happened because at this point he was tired of having this hanging over his head- tired of being known as the unfuckable prude. He had been under the naive pretense that the right person would come along but it was just that- naive. That was never going to happen,not to someone as _vanilla_ as Alec at least. He knew that now. So Alec let himself dance close against the handsome stranger, their bodies pressed together chest to hips, moving in tandem to the bass of whatever song was playing. The strangers hands wandered Alec’s body, pressing him impossibly close in such a way that made Alec’s eyes flutter close, his mouth parting slightly at the sensations. Yes. This is exactly what he wanted, what he needed, and more of it. So when the stranger suggestively asked Alec if he wanted to come home with him Alec pushed any thoughts and fears aside and nodded, letting himself be lead off the dance floor. It was fine, people did it all the time he could too. They was almost at the door with the stranger when he felt himself being pulled back and promptly pushed behind a taller figure. Alec stared at the broad back that blocked his gaze with dazed confusion that came with being as drunk as he was. Alec was shook out of his stupor when the person started speaking

“You can go, he’s with me” Alec perked up and smiled slightly. It was Magnus! Alec thought excitedly before halting, wait- it was _Magnus,_ the exact person he was actively avoiding _._ Shit. Alec’s smile immediately disappeared and was replaced with a feeling of embarrassment and anticipation. Why was Magnus here and how did he find Alec? The club wasn’t exactly small or well lit. Alec wasn’t able to even consider the possible answers before Magnus was turning around, his eyes boring into Alec with a look that he couldn’t quite decipher, but it was quite clear he wasn’t exactly happy and his intense gaze was making Alec squirm. While Alec might not have been able to tell why Magnus was staring at him like that, what he _could_ tell was that his nice looking stranger was no where to be seen and Alec couldn’t help but feel slightly annoyed and dejected.

“Wha’d you say to him Magnus? Where’d he go?” Alec slurred with a slight pout. It had taken him _hours_ to find someone who wante him and now they were gone. Alec suddenly felt tears spring to his eyes at seeing all of his hard work gone to waste. Magnus must’ve seen the tears because before he knew it he was being dragged the rest of the way to the door and led out.

“Alexander” Magnus said softly as Alec wipes furiously at his eyes to keep the tears from coming out, “what are you doing here? You- that _guy_ was going to take you home, you know that right?” Alec threw his hands up letting out a exasperated sigh, “‘course I knew that Magnus, it’s what I _wanted_ ” Alec pointed out annoyed before slumping against the wall, “but now it’s all ruined...” Alec mumbled sadly as he stared at his feet. There was a beat of silence before Alec felt Magnus move towards him and bring him into a hug. “Alexander darling.. why would you want that? You deserve so much more then a one night stand with some stranger from a club” Magnus said as he stroked Alec’s hair softly, “You’re so amazing and you deserve something wonderful- _someone_ wonderful, and you’ll find them one day Alexander-“

“I h've found him Magnus” Alec exclaimed, pushing enough out of Magnus’ embrace to see his face, “But jus’ 'cause you want someone doesn’t mean they will want you back. Magnus don' you get it, _I’m_ not _enough_ ” Alec said exasperated

Magnus looked at Alec with something akin to disbelief and sadness as he shook his head “Alexander you couldn’t be more wrong..you are _more_ than enough-“ Magnus started before Alec cut him off, with a scoff and a shake of his head

“No I’m not Magnus, if I was, I would be love back by-“

“Alexander if you’re talking about Sebastian he doesn’t deserve you, he never did-“

“Magnus I’m talking about _you_!” Alec shouted exasperated, “I tried _so_ hard not to love you but- _angels_ Magnus, you’re so perfect. You’re beautiful, charming, smart and above all you care about me, how could I not fall?” Alec rushed out before meeting Magnus’ eyes which were trained on Alec with a surprise in them. It was that look that made Alec’s drunk mind finally catch up with the words that had left his mouth as he immediately felt he heart sink. Damn it, why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut?

“Magnus I-“ Alec started before being cut off by Magnus’ lips of his, kissing him with passion and intensity that Alec returned almost immediately. Kissing Magnus was like exhaling after holding your breath for so long that you’ve almost forgotten what it was like to breathe. Magnus kissed with such passion and expertise, his tongue pushing against the seam of Alec’s lips, asking for permission that Alec gladly granted. Alec didn’t even bother fighting for dominance, because he simply didn’t want it, Magnus made Alec feel safe even as he was taking him apart- and that was terrifying. They could’ve been kissing for hours or minutes, Alec couldn’t tell because Magnus had invaded all of his senses. When the need for air became too persistent he and Magnus separated, foreheads resting against each other as they caught their breath. Alec’s lips were still buzzing and his mind was pleasantly sedated

“Alexander, I think I fell for you the moment I saw you” Magnus said as he cradled Alec’s face in his hands

“Really?...” Alec questioned softly, disbelief clear in his tone

“Really” Magnus said with a soft smile before hugging Alec to him once more Alec felt completely thrown. It was too good to be true, there had to be some kind of catch, there had to be. Good things didn’t just happen to Alec Lightwood- but, as he stood there, Magnus’ strong arms wrapped around him and his head tucked into Magnus’ shoulder breathing in his distinct sandalwood scent, he couldn’t help but feel like nothing could hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback and comments are appreciated Song: Little Bit by Lykke Li

**Author's Note:**

> Did a 360 but hey, it’s content  
> Any feedback is extremely appreciated, tell me what you guys think


End file.
